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Old Fox 004: December 2012

Monday, December 31, 2012

As 2012 draws to a close...


The year has drawn to a close and what a year it has been - we survived the 'End of the World'! 

I'm neither ecstatic nor gloomy though. The internal and the external have all collided into one big mass of chaos within me. I'm quite numb with what's happening in my country right now. I'm scared I'm a woman. And then again, its also required a whole defragmentation process for me this year. It's been 15 days that I've been lying unruffled... well, almost!

As I was getting ready to pick up tasks on my to-do list, I heard a faint tear like a tectonic shift in the middle of the Arabian Sea, but only it felt like it was within me. The next thing I know is that pain erupted like a volcano from my lower back and I fell down unconscious before which I had managed a feeble shout out to the hubby. 

Probably 5 minutes later, I came back into consciousness to sense tremendous amount of pain shooting out from my lower back to all the neurons in my body.

Oversoul by Alex Grey
It was 9 hours of excrutiating pain as I lay on the floor motionless, having ended all attempts to fight back. But, those 9 hours were a God send. I don't really believe in the idols or religions but a bright ray of hope hidden in the human spirit has to be God. It was this hope that served as my crutches - I began to crawl and finally walk with the hubby's support and somehow managed to make it to the hospital. The verdict was clear - I had stretched myself too far this time!

I'm on medication and rest for a month now but I've realised that the duration depends totally on me. Every moment that I feel hope, I'm able to walk but the very moment I give up, the pain returns. It is like the Satan is just waiting around the corner for Hope to leave. I was so traumatised by the shock waves passing through my body that sleeping at night was a task in itself, but hope has opened a new door.

Incidentally, I've begun to read 'Man's search for meaning' by Viktor Frankl, which is a rather painful account of his stay at a concentration camp and how his search for meaning ultimately saw him survive unspeakable cruelty.

We, as a species, have survived for so long that sometimes it builds a complex and I don't know whether I feel superior or inferior. But, every living moment has a meaning so I guess 'Time' - being the biggest teacher  - will tell! 

2012 started off into the unknown. Me and hubby had decided to bootstrap our venture with a little savings and no viable business model. Today, at the end of the year, I can't believe we made it through 12 months without a salary and heaps of multi-tasking. It is true I broke my back, but it is also true that I could manage to keep a little of my 2012 resolution of inculcating a strong sense of discipline in me. 2012 also saw our first marriage anniversary as well as the second one for the startup, so the year sums up as one of juggling between two unknowns - a marriage and a bootstrapped startup!

As I bid adieu to 2012, I look forward to the new year and hope to listen more and talk less, to stop running and start walking, to just be in the moment and feel the meaning. And 2013 will hopefully ring in a miracle because that's just what the world needs now!

Happy 2013 to all my readers!

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